


Willingly I hereby give them away  (My organs to someone else)

by Moonlit_Fics



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Character Death, Chronic Illness, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kinda, Minor Character Death, Suicide Attempt, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2019-11-16 01:18:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18084641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonlit_Fics/pseuds/Moonlit_Fics
Summary: Title from Jubyphonic's 'Donor Song' cover“Hey, I’m Virgil Sliteton. I’m 19 and I have cystic fibrosis.”“Hi everyone, my name is Patton Deerling and I’m 23. I came to this group because I have a birth defect in my heart.”“My name is Logan Sanders, 22. I have acute liver failure caused by an overdose of Acetaminophen."“I’m Roman Kingsley, 19. I have Dilated cardiomyopathy.”Four men who have very little in common except the threat of dying young meet in a support group. You can't take the relationships you make for granted when any day may be your last.





	1. Chapter 1

Virgil looked out from under his hair, taking a deep, wheezy breath as he looked at the group of young adults sitting in a semi-circle. A few looked resigned, another looked like he had given up completely. Only one looked optimistic or maybe even legitimately happy. He closed his eyes, pulling his hoodie closer around him to further hide his port before starting his introduction.

 

“Hey, I’m Virgil Sliteton. I’m 19 and I have cystic fibrosis.” He muttered with a slight rasp. Despite his anxiety, the moment was underwhelming. There was muttering for a moment before another young man went. While Virgil looked the part of a man who had his life on the line, this man... didn’t. Virgil looked pale, offset by his deep brown and purple hair. His weight bordered on unhealthily low due to his inability to manage the 3,000+ calories a day his condition called for, and his face looked grim.   
In comparison, the man next to him was a healthy color, honey brown hair curling around his face. He had a slightly rounded belly that was akin to that of a puppy. Instead of a man preparing for his final moments, he looked like a man preparing to live his best life with all his remaining time, his eyes alight behind his glasses. Virgil hadn’t noticed he was analyzing the man before he spoke.

“Hi everyone, my name is Patton Deerling and I’m 23. I came to this group because I have a birth defect in my heart.” He grinned when he spoke, as if he wasn’t fazed at all by the thought. 

The man next to him also seemed unfazed, but unlike Patton, he wasn’t smiling, just... stoic, as though he’d simply accepted impending death. He looked tall and lanky with a no-nonsense air to him. He fixed his glasses before looking up at everyone else. It was obvious he didn’t come here by choice, likely dragged by the man next to him that held his arm. Their similar complexion brought Virgil to the conclusion they were twins, despite the one with the glasses having yellowed skin, and the sibling without glasses having lighter, floppier hair and being a few inches shorter than his brother. The one with glasses squared his jaw, then did his introduction.

“My name is Logan Sanders, 22. My brother Thomas is on my left, also 22. I have acute liver failure caused by an overdose of Acetaminophen. Thomas is simply here for moral support. Very insistent moral support.” The brothers looked at each other as if they’d wronged one another. The silent fight seemed to end in a stalemate, and everyone turned to the last boy. 

He had a tan, a soft and completely even brown that complimented his athletic build. He had a charming smile, one that didn’t reach his eyes. He was putting on a fearless front, but his eyes held the fear of a young man dying too soon. 

“I’m Roman Kingsley, 19. I have Dilated cardiomyopathy.” He kept his voice steady, Virgil was impressed by his almost faultless façade, that was certain.

Emile, the organizer of the group and a lung donation recipient himself, dismissed everyone for the week after introductions, but encouraged everyone to get each other’s phone numbers. Patton didn’t hesitate to do exactly that, making a group chat with all of them. 

______

[Soft Boy™️] hi!

[Crofters Nerd] salutations fam

[Royal Pain] Hello

[ImNotOkayIPromise] Hey

[ImNotOkayIPromise] Wait did Logan just add fam to the end of his very formal greeting?

[Royal Pain] Yeah also who made the usernames?

[Soft Boy™️] Virgil 

[ImNotOkayIPromise] me

[Soft Boy™️] I wanted to get to know you guys for more then your name and circumstances so we’re gonna have a new friend picnic and we’re gonna have fun

[Royal Pain] yessss please

[ImNotOkayIPromise] Eh why not

[Crofters Nerd] no thanks 

[Crofters Nerd] Thomas informed me I have no choice so I will be accompanying you all.

[Soft Boy™️] yay! The park a block from the group, tomorrow at noon. Look for the blue blanket 

______

Midday in Florida was often accompanied by sweltering heat, meaning the park was very sparsely populated. Luckily, most of the visitors came for the playground or dog park up the hill, while Patton decided the hill wasn’t the best idea, rather than the flatter ground surrounding it. Whether he chose the spot for the silence or to cater to the crippled organs killing them all was unclear, but appreciated either way. Set up in a shady spot under a large tree was Patton, dressed in a sky blue polo and a cute pastel pink skirt. Next to him was Roman, looking significantly better than before; he seemed happier, calling Virgil over to join them with a real grin. Virgil of course, complied. He sat across from them, the three falling into a comfortable silence, sans Patton’s quiet humming. 

Logan didn’t take long to arrive, sitting with the others on the blanket. As soon as he arrived, Patton jumped up. The other three immediately flinched, anxious that even the small excited moment could stop his weak heart. Patton’s smile dimmed slightly at everyone’s reaction, but came back rather quickly as he addressed them all.

“I’m so glad all of you could come!” He beamed, his smile feeling infectious even to Virgil. The short bespectacled boy opened the basket he’d brought, which was filled with cookies and little cakes. Logan looked as though he wanted to say something, maybe comment about the amount of sugar they’d intake, but ultimately he’d decided against saying a word and possibly making Patton upset. Virgil was the first to speak up, which was a surprise even to him.

“Thanks, Patton.” He muttered, the other two echoing as Patton passed out obviously homemade cookies. And if anyone noticed how little Virgil ate, they said nothing aloud.

——-

The quiet of the picnic was interrupted when Roman looked up and muttered “I want to run again. Until I can’t move and my heart gives out. I want to live” Virgil and Patton shared a look of alarm 

“Or you could not?” The anxious boy chewed on his lip as Roman stood up.

“Cowards die many times before their death-“

“-The valiant never taste of death but once” Logan finished, cutting him off. “That doesn’t mean you should do something you know may cause you harm” Roman seemed unsure, but ultimately sat back down. Logan handed him a cookie, an awkward attempt to make him smile. Roman took it, a small, forced upturn of his mouth seeming enough. Virgil sighed, looking up at Patton.

“How are you so happy?” He finally asked, earning a laugh from the boy in question. 

“Worrying means you suffer twice. I don’t think I’m going to die, I still have so much love left to give, and my ‘bad’ heart got me this far, kept me alive this long. It’ll last.” Virgil wasn’t sure what he expected to hear but… it wasn’t that. Even in his most optimistic moments He couldn’t believe something like that, and he envied Patton’s outlook. As if sensing this, the shorter man pulled him into a hug. “Your lungs have lasted 19 years, they won’t fail on you before they can be replaced” He whispered and for once, Virgil could almost believe it.

——

The picnic was the start of many meet ups to come. There were board games, painting, stories, and Virgil’s personal favorite, movie night. 

It was Logan’s pick, and Big Hero 6 was playing. Only Logan and Virgil seemed to watch, Patton and Roman instead throwing popcorn at each other with soft giggles. Virgil’s couch didn't fit everyone, but the sleeping bags and bean bag chairs were more than enough for Roman and Patton. Virgil himself had a horrid cough that day, tissues coming away from his mouth soaked in phlegm. This wasn’t all that uncommon for him, but he couldn’t help but notice the others definitely didn’t seem as accustomed to his condition. Logan and Roman looked his way and frowned whenever more came up, and Patton fretted over him whenever his attention wasn’t on the movie or his popcorn fight. Virgil shut his eyes, pretending to sleep so he could escape the constant worrying. He soon fell into a real sleep, however, when Patton carded his fingers through his hair comfortably.

 

______

“What’s wrong?”  
Virgil shrugged, not answering Patton’s question at first.

“Virgil” He tried again, putting a hand on his shoulder. Virgil could see he was afraid, treating him like a doll that could shatter at the wrong touch. For once he didn’t say a word as his hoodie was unzipped and pushed down his arms. He let it fall to the floor carelessly, his sunken eyes turning to Patton’s horrified face instead. He really must have looked breakable, as Patton was no longer touching him at all. 

“What’s….” the older man shook his head as if to convince himself he wasn’t seeing reality. But no, he could still see Virgil’s collar bones protruding sharply, count the bones in his hand, feel the defeat radiating off of the pale man.   
“3,400 calories a day. Every day. Just to keep weight on. More if I need to gain any” Virgil finally spoke up in his raspy voice. 

“I’m sick of it. I eat until I feel ill and I still have to eat more. It’s that or they shove a fucking tube in my stomach! I can’t do it Patton” he shook his head. “Not to mention that I am on borrowed time already, I’m already halfway through my life if I live to the average lifespan of a CFer. I’m sick of all this pain and anxiety and- yeah. Basically this is my form of suicide, I guess” Virgil refused to look Patton in the eyes as he spoke. “Starving on my own terms”

There was a long, tense pause.

“What if the shock of you dying makes my heart fail?” Patton finally spoke up, and Virgil’s eyes snapped to meet Patton’s. He looked apologetic but not regretful for his comment. They both knew Patton was playing dirty. They both knew Virgil would give up his own life, but never gamble his friends lives. They both knew it wasn’t very likely that such an occurrence would stop his heart.

Virgil stood up with a shaky sigh. 

 

“Okay. If you want me to eat… help?”

___

It was a horrible accident

A horrible freak accident

But there was an upside

Or that’s what the doctors said, anyways. Logan could hardly see how there was an upside to this.

It was a direct organ donation. That was the upside. Logan would have to live with a piece of Thomas’ liver inside of him. His friends would each get something. But at what cost?

The cost of his brother’s life. It felt like too much to pay but it wasn’t his debt, as much as he desperately wished it was. Logan’s friends were gathered round as a doctor explained to them the direct donations. 

“Logan Sanders of course will receive a liver transplant. Virgil Sliteton will receive a lung transplant. And Patton Deerling will receive a heart transplant”

Suddenly the air was tense again

Two of them have heart problems

Thomas only had one heart

Roman smiled softly at them. He didn’t say a word.

___  
It had been two years now  
Two years since Logan lost his brother  
Two years since the friend group had gone from four to three. 

The group of three young men huddled around the grave with tears in their eyes   
“This doesn’t get easier. You’d think after knowing you a year, the pain would be gone after mourning for two years. It isn’t” Virgil muttered softly. The other two didn’t speak, their fingers entwined lovingly to comfort each other. 

Virgil ran his hand over the dates on the stone with a choked sob. “You made us feel more like a complete family. I miss you” he stood up, silently going back to the car. 

“You go ahead with him, I’ll join you at the car in a minute”

Logan nodded in understanding and followed Virgil. The smaller of the two watched the man he loved follow Virgil back to the car. He smiled softly as he knelt down. 

“I wish things were the other way around” he whispered. “That our roles were reversed. It’s not fair, you had as much to live for as me. A life you wanted to live. I’m so sorry”

He frowned and stood up.

“I know you believed in your heart, but your body didn’t need to reject Thomas’ heart, Padre” Roman smiled sadly and headed back to the car. 

He buckled his seatbelt, feeling better with that off his chest. 

“Feel better, Ro?” He looked up at Logan, who offered a small smile to him.

“Yeah. Yeah, I feel alot better”

Virgil offered a slight smile too. 

At least one of them got closure.


	2. 2

Three years. Three years is what it took for Virgil To finally accept it.  
To accept that Patton, this man he’d fallen in love with over the course of the year they’d known each other, was gone. Of course, Virgil had known he was dead. He knew he’d never see that honey colored hair or those sweet blue eyes of his ever again outside of pictures and videos. Virgil knew with how things had ended, he’d continue loving the boy he’d never been able to confess to for a long, long time. What it was that Virgil came to terms with was the loss of Patton from his life. He felt like his friend would’ve wanted him to get over his death and be happy, but the ice in his veins creeped up to the back of his mind with doubt. He felt bad,especially when he realized that he’d fallen in love again. But how could he be blamed?

Roman’s smiles were stunning, always knocking the breath from Virgil’s lungs. His strength never failed to captivate Virgil’s attention. His hair had waves that were fit for a prince. He was warm, and it melted the frigid boy. 

Logan, though, was different. His voice was soft and smooth, and the yellow tint of his skin from his liver problems was gone now, leaving him a pale almost ghostly color that contrasted so prettily with his dark hair and bright eyes. Unlike the warmth that attracted Virgil to Roman due to the clash with Virgil’s coldness, the cool composure Logan pulled off felt complimentary, Serene. Like home.

 

He was in love again, he was sure. And scared. Very scared.

 

___________

 

Virgil rested his head in his folded arms, face down on the arm of the loveseat, minus the shifting he did to still be able to see Roman and Logan.Virgil was happy to listen to the couple talk in hushed whispers, knowing they likely believed their guest was asleep. Mind you, it wasn’t uncommon for the three friends to end up falling asleep at each other's houses, Mind you, it wasn’t uncommon for the three friends to fall asleep at each other’s houses, so it wasn’t odd when Roman picked Virgil up and deposited him in the guest room. Virgil didn’t let him know he was awake. He didn’t want to miss out on being carried close to Romans chest. How could he? 

He fell asleep with Thomas’- Roman’s irregular heartbeat resounding in his ears.

Roman’s newer heart was was still slightly irregular. Definitely not as bad as it had been, but certainly still slightly odd  
So of course, even when Logan would rest his head on Romans chest, when he felt his heartbeat against his palm, he couldn’t know what was coming  
_________

They said it was a clot. A blood clot that caused a major heart attack. It only took a few minutes to kill him, not long enough for a response.This wasn’t all that uncommon for heart transplant patients, even years down the line.

 

It was odd, really. How they responded differently.

 

Logan could remember every word explained to them in vivid detail like the words were all that existed.

Virgil, However, didn’t hear a word after ‘killed’.

_________

It was an unspoken agreement that Virgil stayed at Logan’s house with him that night

 

They didn’t speak a word until the morning  
Around 4 in the morning Virgil came down to Logan sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the wall. Virgil sat next to him.

“I couldn’t sleep” Logan responded. He looked so far off, like he hadn't accepted the reality of the situation yet.

“I love him”  
Logan muttered  
Virgil saw the exact moment the denial cleared.

Logan cried. But Virgil?  
Virgil ran.

_________

His house was in the same complex, luckily. He left his keys and his car and sprinted the five blocks  
Virgil fumbled to unlock the padlock of the box he kept the spare key in, but managed open it and get inside his house. He locked the door and turned his phone off, locking himself in his room.

He wasn’t caught off guard when he heard knocking ten or so hours later, or in the morning when they were more frantic. He knew who it was.  
On the fourth day he turned his phone back on.

387 unread texts

74 missed calls  
There were one or two condolences over text, but most of the texts, as well as all of the messages were from Logan.

[Crofters Nerd] Virgil where are you?

[Crofters Nerd] Did something happen?

[Crofters Nerd] Say something

A few hundred texts like that.

Virgil didn’t read the voicemails before his phone was off again.

 

It would be eight days since he’d left his home before he saw or heard from Logan again  
Virgil heard the knocking a few times that week but now it was a firm knock. He frowned. It sounded so final. He made to turn his music on but froze at a sound.  
the sound of the front door unlocking.

Shit.

 

He’d left his keys at Logan’s house  
Logan was done waiting.

Virgil flinched when his bedroom door slammed open and Logan entered. He looked like a man going through a tragedy, dressed in a red sweater that wasn’t his size and sweatpants.

Virgil starts to stammer something but Logan glares and he's silent again. before he knows it he's being tugged into his own car and driven back to Logan's place. It's strategy of course; Logan has home field advantage.There's no words until they're at the kitchen table across from each other.

"What the fuck were you THINKING, Virgil?!"

Virgil goes to speak but again, Logan stops him.  
"I have been mourning my boyfriend alone for a WEEK! You left me to it. You left, cut off all communication.... you could've been dead too for all I knew!" his voice was sharp and passionate, cracked and strained.

Logan took a deep breath, focusing his glare back on Virgil, who he now realized wasn't wearing his hoodie, instead his chest was covered by a tank top. That however, wasn't what he focused on when he faltered  
His arms were thin and bony, shoulder blades protruding in a way they hadn't since Patton had helped him all that time ago.

Virgil shrunk into himself slightly against the scrutiny. Logan schooled his expression.  
"How much have you been eating?"

"'Gnough"

"how much is that?"

Virgil faltered "Uh- a meal or two a day"

Logan scanned over him. He'd done quite a bit in eight days. 

"How many times did you eat in total since I last saw you?"

"...five"

"Five?!"

"I didn't feel hungry. Or if i did the hurt covered it."

"You need at least 3,400 calories a day Virgil!" Logan snapped. “Come on, we’re fixing this.”

 

________

 

Virgil was forced to let Logan help him, sitting straight while Logan emptied a syringe into his G-tube. It always made him squeamish to look, so he simply sat there and shuddered with his eyes closed.  
it was a long, silent half hour before the treatment was finished. Virgil wasn't sure if he wanted to get back to the topic at hand.  
It was as if the man from a moment ago was gone as Logan remembered why Virgil was here.

 

"Now, do you have a reason you left?" Logan muttered, and Virgil paused.

"....Yes."

The bespectacled man didn't seem amused. "May I know what it is?"

"No"

Logan slammed his hands down on the table "YOU LEFT ME ALONE HERE, INSIST THERE'S A REASON, BUT REFUSE TO TELL ME?! MY BOYFRIEND IS DEAD"

"AND WHAT, I CAN'T MOURN?! I'M NOT MENTALLY IN ANY CONDITION TO BE SUPPORTING ANYONE! AND I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LET ME, I'D HAVE TO HOLD IT IN TO BE STRONG FOR YOU! I DIDN'T GET TO MOURN FOR PATTON, WHO I LOVED, BECAUSE YOU TWO GOT TOGETHER AND I HAD TO BE HAPPY FOR YOU! AND YOU'D EXPECT ME TO SUPPORT YOU, WHICH I CAN'T RIGHT NOW!"Virgil panted, trying to catch his breath from the flood of words he'd screamed out. "I.... Logan, I needed time, but I want to be here for you now." 

The older man slid his glasses back up his nose. "and why should I allow you to?"

"Because..." Virgil looked right back into Logan's eyes. 

"I love you"

It was the wrong thing to say;he could see it in Logan's eyes. Virgil forced himself to continue.   
"I love Roman, and I love you. After I lost Patton, you two were all I had and you were both so amazing and I couldn't stop it, no matter how much it terrified me to fall in love again, and now I've lost Ro-"

 

"You didn't lose Roman" Logan said with forced calmness. "I did"

Virgil's heart stopped.

"You mean to come in here after you've avoided me for a week when I needed you most and tell me right after my boyfriend dies that you love me?"

"Logan, I-"  
"Because if you loved me, you wouldn't choose now to tell me, while I'm at my most vulnerable"

"I wasn't planning to tell you at all! Ever!" he insisted."Did you know liver transplant recipients live the longest? Lung recipients have the shortest lives. On the off chance you could ever love me, I wouldn't want you to suffer anyways. Now more than ever, I'm sure a long lifespan compared to your partner isn't something you need. But that doesn't mean I don't love you"

Logan squared his jaw. 

"get out"

Virgil doesn't need to be told twice

____

It's three months before Virgil has the guts to face Logan again...  
or at least he thinks so.

Before he goes he checks Logan’s twitter and he finds recent pictures. Ones of Logan kissing Remy Picani. Virgil doesn’t want to go anymore.

He closed his laptop.He felt like an ass. Virgil wanted him to be with a healthy guy,  
but... it's so much different in your head, when it's not real.  
it's so much easier to say those things when you don't experience this. So Virgil went out instead.

He went and got a hot chocolate at a place near the park where the group had their first picnic, and found a bench where he could see the spot they'd sat in four years ago. 

____

"Hey, is this seat taken?"   
Virgil startled visibly, but shook his head without looking up.

of course he regretted that when he felt something on the back of his neck, and he turned. He yelped, suddenly face to face with an albino python. Luckily, it's handler pulled it away.   
"Shit, sorry. I thought you saw Nagini before I sat down"

Virgil calmed himself down. "That thing's name is Nagini?"  
"Yep! i take her out to take pictures with kids and stuff. she doesn't mind and the kids have fun, so..." 

Virgil turned his attention to the handler curiously. His dirty blond hair was gelled back, and his hazel eyes carried a kind of insecurity, likely for the large port wine stain birthmark curving over half his face. 

"As long as she's not hungry, you can sit here" he deadpanned, earning a chuckle from the man next to him  
"Virgil"

"Hi Virgil, I'm Damien" 

"Like the kid from The Omen?"  
he groaned "Yes, like the kid from The Omen"

they talk for a while, and soon the sun is down and Virgil is holding Nagini while they laugh. Virgil goes home with a new contact in his phone.

Virgil went on a few dates with him, and began picking up on little things. Damien had a vocal tic, a small, repeated "tssss" sound when he was stressed. He'd smirk out of the left side of his mouth if he was trying to charm his way out of something. He had a small aggression problem.  
So really, Virgil should've seen the signs.

____

"... So Patton and I come back and give everyone their ice cream, and Roman insisted he did not ask for strawberry cheesecake ice cream. So naturally, Logan dumped the whole carton of it on his head" Virgil recounted with a chuckle. The laughing stopped, however, at the slight 'ts ts ts' sound Damien made.

"Is something wrong?"

"you still love them, don't you?"

This made Virgil pause.   
"I told you I wouldn't be emotionally available for a long time, I told you I still loved them. you said you didn't mind, that this wasn't romantic, at least not yet"

Damien frowned. "well I assumed if you can love three people at one time, you could have some emotional availability for one more who's still alive!"

Virgil stared in horror, then went to leave but Damien held his arm tight, and he winced. Damien let up and the left side of his lip curled "Virge, You know I didn't mean it, I-"

he pushed Damien and ran.

So he goes home and he calls Logan.  
The conversation is stiff and uncomfortable and he hates it; He still loves this man.

Him and Damien never cared for each other- at least he never cared for Damien- that way and it was mostly a relationship built of need, they both needed that affection and companionship and it wet up in flames. But Logan was everything Virgil had left  
and Virgil hangs up.

He hangs up and goes right the fuck to Logan's house, pissed, pissed about... Everything. The world has something against him and he's done so he bangs on Logan's door and...  
when it opens he's not pissed anymore. he's a fucking wreck. A nervous fucking wreck.

"I-uh... Can I come in?"  
and it's tense. Virgil sits on the couch and Logan in his armchair  
It's quiet and they both want to destroy the quiet but neither know what to say. neither are good with people  
Or feelings  
“So uh... you and Remy?”  
Logan scoffed “Romantically? Never.”  
“...ah. So...?”  
"It was a 'hookup' in a way"  
Virgil made a face "... That's more than I needed to know"  
There was a long pause before Logan piped up.  
“I heard you were dating someone”   
Virgil cringed “it uh... went south real fast. I don’t wanna talk about it”  
Logan nodded “have you been eating 3,400 calories a day?”  
“... no”  
“Virgil, you still have CF even if your lungs don’t”  
He shrugged.   
“Have you at least used the G tube?”  
He shrugged again. Sometimes.

“Can you stop acting like life is a game” Logan asked sternly, and Virgil’s lip quirked up.

“Life is a game. You have the game of life in your cabinet right now"  
“I hate you”  
“Me too”  
Logan sighed “are you doing all your treatments?”  
Virgil nodded   
“Good. Have you been within six feet of another CFer?”  
“To my knowledge, no”  
“Good”  
“....I’m sorry”

Logan sighed. "We both made mistakes, Virgil. I was very cruel to you. You were spiraling and I ignored that and then got mad at you for reacting the way you did, which wasn’t an uncommon reaction for an anxious person in a spiral”

Virgil shifted around in his chair for a moment, before whispering "I just... Did you care about me or did you you put up with me because Roman wanted you to?

 

Logan sighed "Of course I care, Virgil"

 

There was a pause.

"Were you truthful when you said you l-"  
He stopped speaking at Virgil's panicked expression.

They sat there awkwardly for a moment in silence.

"Don't say it. Please. we can act like it never happened. Just... you're the only one left. Right as I stopped mourning Patton.... He...." Virgil sighed "If you don't say it, it's not real"

Logan sighed "That is a falsehood and you know it"

Virgil put his head in his hands and suddenly a sob ripped from his throat. Logan awkwardly rubbed his back as he cried.

"I'm... shit Logan I'm so sorry I left you alone to deal with this" Logan shook his head.

"I did the same to you with Patton, and with Roman I almost mourned and let you suffer alone again." The mention of the two men made Virgil cry more. He'd bottled it for so long.

"Please Logan, we don't need to talk about what I said. having you as a friend is all i need. Just... I need to have you around" Logan shushed him, petting his hair and insisting they'd talk of it in the morning, Virgil obviously wouldn't be able to stop crying for now.

And if they fell asleep beside each other in Logan's bed, well.... they deserve the company.  
_____

The morning isn't as awkward, it's calmer as Virgil and Logan wake up. They greet each other and Logan makes them both coffee. Virgil's calm until he’s seated at the table.

Logan squared his jaw “this wasn’t something I planned on telling you, but... me and Roman talked a lot about a particular subject before...” he winced. Virgil frowned but nodded to show he understood. “Well that subject was Roman asking if it was okay if he started a romantic relationship with you. It would be a polyamorous relationship where we remained friends and both were with Roman”

Virgil felt his throat close up. It was different, now. He’d had a chance.Roman wanted to be with him and Logan was going to let him, but he’d never get the chance now.

“We were hoping to talk to you about it... before” he made an abstract gesture. Virgil nodded. “Then... he passed. And I thought about it. A lot. He looked up at Virgil. “And when I looked through our conversations about you and thought about the things he said he loved about you, thought about you... and I felt it too.”

Virgil chewed his lip “I….What?”

“Virgil, I thought about what he saw in you and... I looked over my memories of you and I could see it too. Virgil I think I’ve fallen for you”

“I’m sorry, what?”

 

“ Virgil I’ve said it twice, once extremely bluntly”

This startled a laugh from Virgil. 

“.... anyways. I understand if my actions have... driven you away, and you no longer have feelings for me-“  
Virgil stood up and rounded the table, hugging Logan tightly.

“I love you, Lo.”

Neither of them were over Romans death.

Neither were ready to forget him. But why did they need to?

They could support each other.


End file.
